It's been a while..
It really has, and I'm sorry for that. I think a part of me has been avoiding all of you.
It's funny, you know the saying "Time heals all"? So not true. I think you just get used to the pain.
This May will be the 3 years of my little brother passing, and sometimes, I feel like I've made no progress at all. There are so many different parts of life you get caught up in, like for me, planning my wedding. In the middle of those times when you have too much to think about, you really tell yourself that you are doing so well, and are happy with how far you've come. I honestly don't know how far I have come, I couldn't tell you. It still hurts, so bad, to look at his pictures, and think of life another day without him. I have been unhealthy about the way I have been "healing" and not being true to myself, or my heart. And I owe myself a very sincere apology for that. I lost my strength for a while, forgot who I was and what I stand for. But, I am back. It's so easy to get lost in life, and not face yourself at the end of the day. I really don't think I can stress enough how important it is to do that. I'm not saying you need to dwell on anything, don't make it your every thought, but don't ignore your heart, and if you are having a hard time that day, ask yourself if there is anything you can do to make it feel a little bit better. Talk with a friend, write in a journal, dance, and even cry. I used to talk to my Fiance Keith about Tyler all the time, cry to him when I needed to, and I never do that anymore. We still talk about Ty everyday of course, but little things, not in detail about how I'm feeling. And no, I don't need to do that all the time, but I also can't shut out and ignore the way I'm feeling. The breakdowns aren't so common for me anymore now that we are almost 3 years from losing him, I definitally am more focused on who I have and important things in my life, then the fact that he's not here, because honestly, what good does that do? No matter how hard I cry, nothing will bring him back, and I'd hate to see the day where I've missed out on life with the others I do have. I'm sure I contradict myself a million times within my writing, but that's the funny thing about losing a sibling, or anyone for that matter, it just doesn't make sense.
I want my little brother to be proud of me, and honestly, the way I've been living, there is no reason for him to be. But that is all in the past now, I can't obsess about that, because I have too much future that would be wasted. Yes, it has taken me almost 3 years to get my head on straight, but better than 5, or 10, or even 50.. right? Now this is not to say anything to anyone that is still having a hard time. Healing is all an individual process, and you have to do what's good for you. But I will say, "Life goes on" no matter who is here, or who is gone, and personally, there is too much to do, too many people to love, and too much to expirience for it to go on without me. And until that day when I see his smiling face again, whole, cancer free.. I'm going to make the most of the time I have left, with the people I love the most.. so I can have plenty of stories to tell him when I see him, and so he'll hug me and tell me how truly proud he is.
Until then, I know he is with me every single day. He may not always be in the front of my mind, but he is always, always in my heart.
Thank you so much to my Mom and Dad, for setting me straight, showing me what's important, and reminding me of my strength. Thank you for believing in me, and not giving up in the time I wasn't being my best. I love the two of you with all of me, and couldn't be more blessed.
It's funny, you know the saying "Time heals all"? So not true. I think you just get used to the pain.
This May will be the 3 years of my little brother passing, and sometimes, I feel like I've made no progress at all. There are so many different parts of life you get caught up in, like for me, planning my wedding. In the middle of those times when you have too much to think about, you really tell yourself that you are doing so well, and are happy with how far you've come. I honestly don't know how far I have come, I couldn't tell you. It still hurts, so bad, to look at his pictures, and think of life another day without him. I have been unhealthy about the way I have been "healing" and not being true to myself, or my heart. And I owe myself a very sincere apology for that. I lost my strength for a while, forgot who I was and what I stand for. But, I am back. It's so easy to get lost in life, and not face yourself at the end of the day. I really don't think I can stress enough how important it is to do that. I'm not saying you need to dwell on anything, don't make it your every thought, but don't ignore your heart, and if you are having a hard time that day, ask yourself if there is anything you can do to make it feel a little bit better. Talk with a friend, write in a journal, dance, and even cry. I used to talk to my Fiance Keith about Tyler all the time, cry to him when I needed to, and I never do that anymore. We still talk about Ty everyday of course, but little things, not in detail about how I'm feeling. And no, I don't need to do that all the time, but I also can't shut out and ignore the way I'm feeling. The breakdowns aren't so common for me anymore now that we are almost 3 years from losing him, I definitally am more focused on who I have and important things in my life, then the fact that he's not here, because honestly, what good does that do? No matter how hard I cry, nothing will bring him back, and I'd hate to see the day where I've missed out on life with the others I do have. I'm sure I contradict myself a million times within my writing, but that's the funny thing about losing a sibling, or anyone for that matter, it just doesn't make sense.
I want my little brother to be proud of me, and honestly, the way I've been living, there is no reason for him to be. But that is all in the past now, I can't obsess about that, because I have too much future that would be wasted. Yes, it has taken me almost 3 years to get my head on straight, but better than 5, or 10, or even 50.. right? Now this is not to say anything to anyone that is still having a hard time. Healing is all an individual process, and you have to do what's good for you. But I will say, "Life goes on" no matter who is here, or who is gone, and personally, there is too much to do, too many people to love, and too much to expirience for it to go on without me. And until that day when I see his smiling face again, whole, cancer free.. I'm going to make the most of the time I have left, with the people I love the most.. so I can have plenty of stories to tell him when I see him, and so he'll hug me and tell me how truly proud he is.
Until then, I know he is with me every single day. He may not always be in the front of my mind, but he is always, always in my heart.
Thank you so much to my Mom and Dad, for setting me straight, showing me what's important, and reminding me of my strength. Thank you for believing in me, and not giving up in the time I wasn't being my best. I love the two of you with all of me, and couldn't be more blessed.
Posted by Jessica Rogers
